I'm Considerin Shavin One Of My Legs...

Well I wrote one yesterday and it got me thinkin and now it’s got me writin another one today. I loooooove to write. It’s such a great release. Obviously it’s not meant for everyone’s eyes but we’re all friends here so I just let it out. What a wonderful feelin…

I’d like to say that the reason I’m single is because that I don’t truly understand women but the truth is I understand them I think more than most men… I think. They don’t make it easy on us though. Instead of hintin at what they mean and then gettin upset that we as men can’t figure it out it would be so much easier if they just said exactly what they mean.

When I went out on dates once the date was over I was completely honest with the women about whether or not I wanted to see her again. I took the guess work and waitin right out of it. However that honesty wasn’t always reciprocated. So many times when I wanted to see a woman again after the first date they’d agree only to change their minds once we weren’t face to face. I get that it’s not the easiest thing to do to let someone down but it’s easier if you do it quickly right from the start instead of lyin and givin someone false hope. Sendin me home all floatin on clouds only to pull it out from under me the next day… that sucks!!

But this is the problem between women and men… honest communication. You can’t expect that ever person is gonna react the same way to the same situation. For example… a kiss on the first date…

I’ve gone out with woman that have taken it upon themselves to make that first move takin the guess work out of it for me. I looooooove women like that. I’ve gone out with women who said straight out that they don’t kiss on the first date. Datin made easy… say what you mean and what you believe and eeeeeeverything is soooooo much easier.

However… at the same time I’ve had an awesome first date with a woman ruined when I tried to kiss her because I thought it was something she would be ok with based on our previous conversations and the way that the night went. Plus from what I’d learned on dates before that unless otherwise specified it was ok.
I was wrong. Which is why it’s so fuckin confusin. Each woman is so different yet they seem to assume that they’re all the same and that we’re supposed to be able to easily tell the difference.

There has to be a little bit of leeway given especially for people from my generation. I mean come on I was raised on cartoons like Pepe Le Pew. This skunk chased around this cat tryin to kiss her at every opportunity. Not even a first date and eventually she’d end up givin in.

On just about every single online datin profile women say they’re lookin for a man that makes them laugh. Well how are we as men supposed to know what makes each individual woman laugh? Tell me the types of things that make you laugh.

Even if they did give us the answer to that question in my experience it takes about 3 months for  “You’re so funny” to turn into… “Is everything a fuckin joke to you?” Uhhhh… yes!! Isn’t that one of the things you liked about me so much for the first 3 months?

I’m up front about everything and maybe that’s one of my downfalls. I know what I like and I know what I’m lookin for. Here’s what I’m lookin for…

Someone beautiful… A pretty face… sometimes I can’t help but stare and admire how beautiful she is. Like the girl I had a drink with the other night… I just sat there in total awe.

Nice body… this varies… I mean I’ve been with all types in my singledom. I don’t mind curvy and I don’t mind thin… someone in between is perfect but I can’t help the fact that when I really think about it I absolutely love someone I can pick up and throw around ;o) I love me a nice flat stomach. Boobs I can go either way with. Nice ass…

Good sense of humor… doesn’t take life too seriously. Can laugh at herself… can laugh at others… can handle my sense of humor… thinks sarcasm and teasin are funny… thinks things like my Dino pics were funny. Doesn’t mind if I break out into song in the car. Maybe even sings along with me.

Smile… I have a thing for smiles. There are some that just drive me crazy and I can feel myself doin anything and everything I can to put it on their face. It’s one of those unselfish selfish qualities I have.

Sweet and cuddly… I loooooove to cuddle. I love to spoon. I love someone who will just walk up and sit next to me and just curl up inside of me like she can’t get close enough. How much do I love to cuddle? I’m single now and I miss cuddlin soooo much that I’ve considered shavin one of my legs so that it’s smooth. This way when it rubs up against the other leg when I’m in bed it feel like she’s right there with me.

All woman… I love me a woman that looks like a woman. I don’t mind the tomboyish girls but there’s a tomboyish girly look and there’s a tomboyish manly look. I like the tomboyish girly look. I love a woman that can make a sundress look beautiful. I’d love it if I found someone who would play softball with me… an athletic woman. It’s not a deal breaker for sure. I can live without that part. But that’s not manly… that’s fuckin sexy. However I don’t ever ever eeeeeeeever wanna walk into the bathroom after her and find the seat up.

Subtle sexiness… not a big fan of the slutty sexy look. I like a woman that can show it without it lookin like she made it a point to show it. Like I said the sundress… not too much if any makeup is nice too. But if she does it’s not the caked on look. It looks all natural.

High sex drive… I love me some sex… I love when the girl loves them some sex… this way we can love ourselves some sex together. An every other day girl at least. There is nothing like sex when you’re BOTH really into each other. I don’t want someone who does it just to appease me every now and then. I want someone who’s gonna come home one day and just jump me in the kitchen. Ya know what I like? I like those women that wear ponytail holders on their wrists. That’s sexy… because it shows me that they’re ready at a moment’s notice and I won’t be the only one givin away the oral… which happens to be my favorite thing to give. Another one of those unselfish selfish qualities. I will do aaaaaaanything to make it work for her. I think that’s why I’ve gotten such great reviews… because I’m super attentive because there’s nothing better to me than takin a woman there.

Have a clean VagFax history report… I don’t know where you’ve been… I don’t know how many times you’ve used that ponytail holder before and I really don’t care… as long as you’ve been carful along the way.

Loves me for me and refuses to be anything but herself… this is probably the most important one. Well except for the high sex drive, the nice body, the sweet and cuddly, the all woman and the beautiful face… I am too God Damn Old to be waitin for her real personality to come out. Fall in love only to find out she’s a ravin psycho. You be you and I’ll be me and if we connect do you know how amazin we’ll be together? Pretty fuckin amazing!!

None of this seems too much to ask does it? I mean I’m not askin for anything overboard or undoable. Just a beautiful sexy woman with a good sense of humor that likes to cuddle… has a high sex drive and loves me for me.

Women... beautiful... but crazy...

I’ve dated quite a bit since I left my ex. Within all that datin there were less than a handful that I walked away believin there was a true chance at a real connection. In all but one of those cases I walked away not only feelin that the feelin was mutual but also being told they believed there was something more to explore there. That is of course until it came time for the second date.

Recently I synced my phone to facebook and it brought up one of the girls I really liked a lot. The first date was awesome. It was comfortable, flowin conversation, fun and loaded with laughs. At the beginnin we had agreed that it would be dinner and then home. We tried to take away some of the pressure by taking the question or expectation away… dinner… then home.  

So we sat there at dinner and halfway through she breaks the agreement by askin me if I’d like to go back to her place for a drink after dinner. Obviously we were both feelin it so I said yes without givin it a second thought.

Drinks at her place was much the same. It was awesome. It felt like we knew each other for years. About an hour into it she leans over and kisses me. We were like teenagers there on the couch. After about 10 minutes of kissin she asks me if I want more wine. As she heads to the kitchen she says to me… “You’re a delicious kisser by the way… but you can’t stay over tonight” and winks at me.

The first question that raised was… does “but you can’t stay over tonight” mean we can have sex but you can’t sleep here? The kissin was gettin very passionate and her hands were wanderin. But me bein the gentleman that I was if she didn’t actually come out and say something or make a move to take things further I wasn’t goin there. I did NOT want to blow it with this girl.

I won’t get into details but eventually it was time for me to head home. She walked me out onto her porch. We kissed again… she commented on my kissin again and we agreed that there’d be a second date and that it had to be soon.

The next day we’re talkin on the phone and somehow in those 12 hours or so her mind changed. She apologized… said I was a great guy but that she “didn’t feel there was a spark”.

Obviously I’m confused. That’s not the first time something like that has happened to me. I’m left to wonder what happened instead of havin what my mind feels is a valid explanation. I didn’t get it… she was the aggressor with everything. The goin back to her place… the kissin… the promise of a second date. I still have no idea what hit me.

Aaaaanyway… fast forward to Friday. I’m syncin my phone with facebook and there she is. So I add her as a friend and she accepts. There she is all engaged so I send her an email with congrats. We get to talkin and it seems she’s been seein him for a year and 4 months. Basically that means she met him about 3 months after our date.

I ask her how she’s been and she tells me they just called off the weddin and they’re strugglin. She’s got some trust issues from previous relationship to go along with some shady activity with him. We talk for about an hour and I’m doin what I do best… givin advice. It sounded to me like a lot of what was goin on was more her issues than his so I asked her a few questions that were asked intentionally to lead her to that conclusion.

She actually starts to cry and thanks me for being there for her. Then she says to me “How the hell are you still single?”

That’s the fuckin million dollar question isn’t it? It always seems to be the girls that won't date me that are the most confused as to why I'm still single. Weeeeellll maybe try askin yourself that question… If I’m such a great guy then why was I so easy for them to pass up on? Why say there’s a connection if there’s not? But the big one is… why are you askin me why I’m still single? I mean you’re the one that knows why more than I do. How about you tell me?

I don’t get women. Every single… and I mean every single first date that I’ve been on I’ve been told how easy I am to talk to. So why when it comes down to the question of seein each other again do they lie? Just tell me… I’ll move on gracefully because in the end I want someone who’s just as much into me and I am into them. This thing I’m searchin for doesn’t work if I’m head over heels for someone and they’re only lukewarm about me. I’m not gonna argue with someone about it. It would just be nice to know what the issue really was.

I wanted to ask her what happened but the conversation we had needed to be about her. It didn’t seem like she had a place to go with it and I didn’t wanna be selfish about it. I probably won’t ever bring it up as long as she’s engaged. And I hope it works out for her. She’s a great woman…. Just crazy… juuuust like the rest of em!!! ;o)

Five… Five… Five dollar footlong!!

I spent all day yesterday watchin all five of the Fast & Furious movies and it left me with a few questions…

1) Why don’t they let cops wear sneakers?

They’re always wearin them pigs feet and chasin down some criminal. I don’t get how they’re able to catch anybody like that. No wonder there’s still so many criminals on the streets. Paul Walker caught this guy but only because he’s one of the stars of the movie. I bet in real life the guy gets away because Paul Walker has to run and jump in shoes.

2) Who was the first person to discover popcorn?

Musta scared the shit out of them dontcha think? I know when I make it the old fashioned way and sit there and watch it the first one always scares the shit out of me. I can see them starvin and hungry and all they have is this old corn that’s been sittin there all dried up forever and so they could eat they tried to cook it anyway and then… POP!! POP!! POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP!!

3) Why does everybody think I look like Vin Diesel?

I mean other than both of us being bald I just don’t see it. But eeeeeverywhere I go at least one person stops me and says something. I’ve never believed it despite finishin third in a look-a-like contest to Sharon Osborne and Steven Spielberg.

A radio station was havin a contest at a local bar and my ex kept tryin to talk me into it. Since I don’t think I look anything like him I kept sayin no. So one day her and I head to Subway for a sandwich while my daughter is at dance class. We sit by the window and just eat.

About 10 minutes later this lady slams her car into a parked car. I pay no attention to eat and continue with my BLT. Well about 1/2 hour later the cop that was at the scene comes in and walks up to me and my ex. He says I had to come and tell you what happened… the woman saw you and thought you were Vin Diesel… that’s why she wasn’t payin attention to where she was goin.

I turned to my wife and said… “Ok I’ll do it”. I took 3^rd place with about 50 or 60 other people there dressed as one person or another. I thought some of them were spot on too. Halle Berry, Drew Carey, Dale Earnhart Jr, Sherman Helmsley… there was a bunch of great ones. As we drove home the one judge said that he didn’t know who Vin Diesel was and may have voted for me had he seen a picture.

I have a bunch of stories like that. One lady arguing with me about it… a customer in Blockbuster tellin the woman that worked there that Vin Diesel was in the store. It happens more so whenever he releases a new movie but it happens almost everywhere I go.

I moved from NY to here in Amish country about 16 years ago. Back in NY I had tons of friends. My ex used to make comments that no matter where we went I would always know somebody. I didn’t just hang out in one group of friends there was a few different groups that I used to spend time with. I always had something to do.

Now here 16 years later I still haven’t been able to develop one of those groups… or even one of those tight friends. It’s crazy. I don’t know what it is but for some reason I’ve had a very hard time makin friends here.

Part of it is that the local people tend to stick to the people that grew up around here. I know I can’t blame it all on that but honestly I’m not sure I have another explanation. It’s the weirdest thing. I could go back to NY and those same old friends would still have my back.

It’s not like I’m a bad guy either. I’m good to my friends. I’m good to people who aren’t my friends. I don’t have any major annoyin habits that I’m aware of. I’m not a drama queen or the guy that shares everything that everyone tells them. I keep to myself and I’m pretty quite.

It’s recently become even harder because of my financial situation. With the medical bills that I ended up with its put me on a tight budget where I can’t do anything other than afford to live right now. At least until those are taken care of. So when people have asked me to head out recently I’ve had to decline.

If you think it’s hard to make friends when you can’t go out… image how hard it is to go out on a date with a female… or a male for that matter. I’m longin to be loved but at this point I’d have to find someone who would be totally happy sittin around watchin movies… or goin to the park… or hikin.

I mean don’t get me wrong as a person and boyfriend I think I’m worth it but I’m sure it’s not very appealin to anyone within my age range. Who wants to date a 43 year old man that is barely gettin by paycheck to paycheck no matter how attractive they might find me inside and out?

It really sucks. I mean I think I’ve said this before but the reason I left the ex was to find “the one”. That passion that just knocks you off of your feet and makes your heart pound uncontrollably.

They say that it’s when you stop searchin that you find it. Well I’ve stopped searchin… but I don’t go out. Is there anybody besides me that finds it highly unlikely that she’ll just knock on my apartment door one day unprovoked?

Who knows maybe that does happen? Maybe she’s a door to door condom saleswoman and I’ll be her first demonstration? She’ll of course quit her job after that and we’ll live happily ever after. But then she’ll be unemployed and we’ll both be livin on my paycheck to paycheck salary. Love’s all that matters though isn’t it? Please say yes…

Ok now I’m sad… I just don’t get why when I was married there were women eeeeeverywhere that were interested in me and now… nothin. What’s up wit dat? I’m still the same guy… I still look the same… I still have the same great personality… my penis is still the same size. Allllthough I have been gettin a lot of emails with guaranteed ways to increase the size of it up to 5”. That’s additional inches on top of the inches I already have!! That would be very pleasin to the ladies… maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about money. Just walk around sellin my foot long for $5. Five… Five… Five dollar footlong!!

Now that songs stuck in your head isn’t it? Good because now it’s time for the Blogger sing-a-long… Five… Five… Five dollar footlong!!

I’ve been spendin a lot of time lately thinkin about the ex-Amish woman. Every time I see her my heart stops. She is truly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. But I’ve been around beautiful women before and none of them make me feel like she does simply by standin next to her. It’s crazy… it’s like I could almost tell her right there and then that I love her. Weird stuff. I’ll have to tell you about her sometime soon…

Your Spoons In The Other Room...

So it’s been a crazy busy couple of days here at work. Yep… that’s where I write from. Can’t exactly afford to have the internet at home right now so it’s either work or the phone. And I can’t image writin an entire entry on the phone. Who knows? Maybe one day.

I’ve been single for about 4 1/2 months now and I’m feelin pretty lonely right now. Which of course has me lookin back at the last relationship and missin it. So many good things about us that I never imagined we wouldn’t be able to work passed the couple of things in our way. We were just too different in some big areas though for her to accept and for me to change.

There were a couple of things about her I wasn’t happy with either. I mean… what kinda woman can’t see the 3D in 3D movies? Some sorta eye issue she has. I should have known right there that it was destined to fail. I’m a movie fiend.

She’s an insomniac who has tons of trouble sleepin and she saaaaaays… I snore. I don’t fuckin believe it but after a while she started askin me to sleep in a different bed in a different room when I stayed over. I’m a spooner… how the fuck am I supposed to spoon from a different bed in a different room? I mean she was a cuddler so that kinda made up for it where she just curled up inside me every night while layin on the couch. Man I miss that. Buuuuut… havin to sleep in a different bedroom? For the rest of our lives together? Not happenin.

I’m looooove sex… A LOT of it and so did she. We fit perfectly and it was the best most beautiful sex I’ve ever had but every time we did… she got a fuckin yeast infection. No matter what preventative measures we tried we’d get like 2 days of crazy sex or sometimes just one and then 2 week off. It was insane. We tried allllllll kinds of different condoms… I washed my hands… brushed my teeth… we showered… eeeeeeverything and still… there it was.

The yeast would be perfect if we were brewin our own beer but when it came to sex… yeast = not good. Just not enough sex for me... I felt like I was married again sometimes. Although the big difference there is that my girlfriend was definitely an initiator which I absolutely loved. It’s soooooo nice to feel wanted. Sex was NOT the problem… and it wasn’t either of our faults… whoever is the goddess of protectin beautiful vaginas was at fault here.

The biggest issues for us were me bein me and her 4 year old boy.

Anytime we were meetin her family or a new friend she would always explain to me what they were like and what parts of me they wouldn’t appreciate. Normally after I’d meet them I couldn’t believe how way off base she was but it still bothered me that she fell in love with who I was but I wasn’t allowed to be that person in front of others. It was just weird.

So many times she’d warn me that my playful teasin or my sarcasm wouldn’t be appreciated and that I shouldn’t share that side of me. I just didn’t get it. Why would I ever need to be anything other than myself? I get that there are moments and places where it might not be appropriate and I control it when I need to but she’d ask for it when it wasn’t those moments or places. And I’d often wonder why not tell your family how much you love me and what a great guy I am but that I can be sarcastic and tease… ya know… give them a heads up instead of askin me to be someone else.

Probably the biggest issue was with her son. He was a boy. In fact I’m sure he still is but for some reason it just seemed like she didn’t want to let him be a boy. He had a strong athletic male figure in his life for basically the first time and he just wanted to be a boy. He wanted to wrestle and play like a boy. He was a little bit of a pussy and needed to toughen up but she just wasn’t havin it.

You know how kids get embarrassed sometimes and act like they get hurt? I mean you can tell when a kid is really hurt or just actin. He would act… she would overreact and I’d get in trouble. It would turn into an argument. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to wrestle when he wanted to because I didn’t wanna start a fight with her. Then he’d get mad because I wouldn’t wrestle with him and I’d lose there too.

She loved his affection and his heart and he was… he was a great kid. She was afraid that toughenin up meant he’s lose that. I’d tell her to look at me… she’d always comment on what a huge heart and what a great guys I was and I grew up gettin teased and gettin in fights. It’s part of bein a boy. But the way I was brought up I didn’t go out and look for fights. It was always a last resort… or something fun to do when we were bored.

My point was that you can be both. You can have your huge heart and still be a boy. He’s gonna deal with it at some point when he starts goin to school. I was preparin him to be a boy.  I wasn’t even allowed to tease him. If he fell… I couldn’t laugh. I had to ask him if he was ok even if it was fuckin hilarious and I knew there was no way he could have really gotten hurt.

With my daughter… she’d never get away with it. My daughter grew up bein teased by me… she knows that I love her and she knows that I think she’s beautiful, smart, carin and amazin… she also has a huge heart. At 15 she’s everything I ever dreamed my daughter would turn out like… It’s just that sometimes she’s a dumbass and I let her know it.

That’s it… those are the two biggest things. The son thing might be hard to understand… if you were there you’d see what I mean. You’d have to see how she reacted sometimes. I loved the kid and would never do anything intentional to hurt him and I’d planned on bein with this woman for the rest of my life so of course I wanted this kid to turn out o be a good kid… his dad had died before he was 2 and I sooooo wanted the job. She was I think just waaaay too overprotective of him in places she didn’t need to be.

No… we didn’t belong together… there’s no doubt about that… but I sure do miss her a lot sometimes.

Aaaaaanyway… I got to see a movie called Tonight You’re Mine last night and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Excellent movie and incredible that they filmed it in only like 4 days while the music festival was going on.

Now most of you probably don’t have movie makin experience… but I do and 4 days… Wow!! Back a few years ago my daughter was asked to be an extra in the movie Definitely Maybe with Ryan Reynolds. We went in to NY and spent the weekend for the one day shoot.

She was supposed to be an extra in the scene at the beginning of the movie where he goes to pick up his daughter at school. That scene and part of the opening were filmed on that day. In the movie I would say that it took up at the very most like 2 or 3 minutes of the film. That 2 or 3 minutes took us over 12 hours to film… and Tonight You’re Mine was filmed in its entirety in 4 days? Very impressed and even more so since it turned out to be such a good movie.

Another softball tourney this weekend as we try and follow up our state co-ed championship with a win in a money tournament. This is a continuation of a tournament we played on that 103 degree day back in July that got called because of rain at 10:30pm.

Enjoy your weekend…

Chewy, can I see you out in the hallway?...

CONGRATS!! To me and my teammates for winnin the PA State Class C Co-ed championship!! We lost the first two and then proceeded to kick the shit out of teams over the next 5 games. Yay us!! 

This is my second co-ed state championship over the last 3 years. I had a really good tourney. Hit really well. It was pretty excitin stuff. 

Something’s been off with me lately… I used to be able to sit and listen to music or think in the dark. It used to be one of my secret pleasures. I could just lay there deep in thought and relax and focus. I’d lay there by one of the speakers with the music low and just think. Now the lights go off and I’m a jumbled mess. 

Aaaaaanyway… I figured it was time for you all to meet Dino. He’s my dinosaur friend that I sometimes share pictures of. He… like me… is into internet datin. I caught him checkin out the datin site searchin the other day and snapped a pic…

Some pretty interestin profiles some of those dinoladies have huh? I guess they’re attractive if you’re into that kinda thing. 

Man it’s been absolutely insane for me lately. Just one of those periods in your life where you wish you were like an ostrich and could just bury your head in the ground for a little while. But that wouldn’t make any of this go away. Just hide it for a little while.

It’s kind of ironic that the reason this journey started for me was to find that insane, crazy, passionate love and right now I can’t even think about entertainin the idea of even takin someone out on a date… let alone build a relationship with someone. So I can’t pursue what I left to pursue… how much does that fuckin suck? It’s fuckin killin me.

I have a couple of pen pals from the one datin site that are keepin me entertained but that’s about it. This one girl’s headline said something that I was curious about. It said “Lookin for the other half of my torn piece of paper”. Basically only the other half will fit perfectly with it. I like that a lot but it made me think of somethin that happened to me back when I was in 4th grade 20 or so years ago.

Honestly I forget what subject it was but back then there was one subject we’d switch rooms for. My teacher for that class was Mr. Chamberlin. I had failed a test in his class pretty bad. So bad that there was no way my parents were seein it. Of course because it was so bad he required that I took it home and get it signed by my parents.

I was terrified so I came up with this brilliant idea. My mom had signed other things for me for school. I’d just rip the signature off one that was signed and rip a piece of the test off in the same spot and say that it was ripped somehow. For almost the entire class I thought I’d gotten away with it. Until a few minutes before the end of the class he said “Chewy, can I see you out in the hallway?”

He talked to me for a bit. Told me that he knew what I’d done and I was gonna have to take it back and really get it signed. Just before we walked back in he took two sheets of paper and put them on top of each other, ripped them and showed them to me. He said “Next time take both pieces and rip them at the same time.” He patted me on the shoulder and walked me back in.

Just one of those little memories that has always stood out to me and I’ve always remembered the lesson. In fact I remembered it so well that in 6th grade his advice paid off for me big time when I pulled the same stunt and got away with it. 

Aaaaaanyway… that’s all for today… the Amish girl story probably tomorrow.

The Adventures of “Mr. Fixit”…

I’ve gotten the nickname “Mr. Fixit” from a couple of my friends. Not because I’m handy with tools or anything like that. I mean I could probably name a bunch of tools for ya but I’m not sure I’d be able to tell you what they do.  

No this nickname comes from the fact that I seem to always attract the same type of women. Women that are emotionally damaged and lookin for some self-confidence and to feel wanted again.

Honestly I’m not sure why this always happens but if I’m being honest I’ve wondered if there’s somethin in my sub-consciousness that attracts me to them too. I always seem to be the guy they spend time with to heal and then once healed they move on. Maybe it’s my patience... or the fact that I’m a great listener… or that I’m compassionate.

The last woman I dated for 8 months. The first 5 months of that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through in a relationship other than havin my own girlfriend die. In this case that experience helped tremendously. You see… the last woman I dated was a widow. And me? I was the first guy she dated since his death. The story goes like this…

I’m on match.com… I’m frustrated at the results… I’m sad… I’m bored with it havin the same people over and over and I’m sooooo tired of all the fake accounts on there. So despite the fact that I’d met some great people on there it was clear that I’d milked it dry and was done with it. So… I quit.

On the very last day of my membership I get a response from a woman that I’d emailed probably like 2 weeks before. She’d never answered. Her email was an apology for not respondin… she’d missed my email when she’d started talkin to someone else. That someone else ended up bein a dick and she’d decided that he helped her figure out that she wasn’t really ready to date yet. But she wanted to thank me for my very sweet email and wish me luck.

I wrote her back only minutes later and I got nosey and asked what had happened. I was not prepared to get the answer I got from her.

She began to tell me the story of her husband and how he’d passed away. She thought she’d gotten to the point in her life where she was ready to date again. After her one experience she decided that she really wasn’t. This guy and her on match never got passed the email stage and she was already sure she wasn’t ready for all the bullshit games that came along with datin.

We talked back and forth for a good hour through email. The conversation flowed so easily it was amazin. Finally I said listen… I realize you’re not ready but I’ve enjoyed talkin to you. What would you think about becomin friends and maybe meetin for a drink? I promised that I had no other intentions and between her and I… that was the absolute truth. Aaaanyway… She loved the idea.

So one Sunday night we agree to meet up at this local outdoor bar. I got there a few minutes early as I normally do so I sat out on the bench and waited for her. As I’m sittin there I get a call from her tellin me that she’s runnin a little late and that she thinks she’s about 10 minutes out.

Not two minutes later I’m sittin there and this absolutely gorgeous woman walks by me. I actually said out loud… to myself of course… “Daaaaaamnn!!” when she walked by. I even thought to myself “wow I wish that was the girl that was comin to see me”.

Seconds later my phone rings again. She’s there already… I was like ok I’m sittin out front where are you? She’s like I just walked in… I’m comin out now. So I’m watchin the entrance and out walks this woman with the phone to her ear lookin around. The very same woman that stopped me in my tracks and made me say “Daaaaaamnn!!”

The rest of the night was like a blur. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her… she was beautiful. I couldn’t stop listenin to the sound of her voice. It was surreal. But I knew the limits. I knew what I had promised. I knew we were there… as friends.

I won’t get into all the little details from there or all the little moments that got us to where we went. I’ll just say that the more time we spent as friends the more we wanted to spend together. And within 2 weeks she was asking me out… she wanted to be a couple with me. Thanked me for all the smiles and happiness I’d brought into her life and her sons life.

She’d obviously never been around someone as playful and silly as me. In fact it took her a while to understand that my teasin of her came from a love of her and that I would never say anything in a malicious way to hurt her.

We had so much fun together it was amazin. The problem as I mentioned before was that I was the first person she dated since her husband passed away. So each and every little step we took came with mountains of guilt for her to work through.

It came with the first time we held hands… the first time we kissed… the first time she saw me outside playin soccer with her son… the first time I ate dinner in his chair… basically the first time we did anything and of course… the first time we had sex which was the hardest one of all.

But I understood why she’d take a step back after each one of those things. I took everything at her pace. I never asked for more and I sometimes excepted less. Why wouldn’t I? I mean I don’t remember ever bein happier… why would I need to rush it any faster?

She appreciated my patience. She absolutely loved the fact that I never backed down from talkin about her husband or what she was feelin anytime she wanted to. In fact she told me how much she loved the fact that I would bring him up and ask questions sometimes. She hated the fact that her friends and family kinda tried to avoid the subject and walked on egg shells around it.

Sex was obviously the most difficult one. A lot of our steps came with tears from the guilt but this more than anything. It was 3 days where she was just so down and upset about it. When she finally came to me and said that it was hittin her harder because she enjoyed bein with me that way more than she ever did with him.

Now I know you can probably get some sort of idea of how hard all of this was for her… but what you’re probably not noticin was just how hard this all was for me.

I had the easier end of the deal. I don’t deny that even a little. Although she’d try to explain how she was feelin I doubt that I was even able to understand half of it through her words. But honestly… most of the people we date have been in relationships before us. They usually end in break ups… so no matter how much you loved that person you can usually find a reason to take off the rose colored glasses and see that they weren’t as great as you thought they were. In many cases there’s even some very strong bitter feelins towards them.

It’s not like her husband was in the next town visitin his son every other weekend and sendin child support payments. It’s not like he had beaten her physically or mentally. Or left her for another woman. Or simply fallen out of love with her. They were happy and were lookin forward to the rest of their lives together.

That’s what was so hard. He honestly he sounded like such a great guy and it seemed that treated her like a princess. After all the stories she told me about him I even admired him for the man he was. She was head over heels in love with him. He was “the one”.

So no matter what I did… no matter how great I was or how great we were together he was always gonna be “the one” and I was always gonna be the one she settled for because she couldn’t have him. Make no mistake if he was alive and we were both put in front of her and she had to chose… she would have chosen him every time. Do you know how that feels?

I understand it totally. I don’t blame her one bit for it but that was something I was always gonna have to struggle with. She didn’t try to make me feel that way. Other than a couple of arguments early on where she would say that there’s something he would have handled differently. But that didn’t last long. She was a very smart woman and figured out herself that she couldn’t continue to compare me.

I was over her house almost every night for the entire time we dated. More than once on the drive home I would break into tears myself and wonder if I could continue to do it. I mean I’m out here lookin for someone to believe that I’m “the one”. I want to be loved like that… not settled for. I knew though that that was my choice… I could either stay with this amazin woman and realize that no matter who her husband was that I was lucky enough to be the one she chose to spend her life with… or I could move on. I just didn’t want to lose her.

Over time we got passed all of the guilt. It was about 5 months in when I finally felt a little at ease with that. We were in love and it was such an incredible feelin to be loved by someone as beautiful as she was inside and out.

Of course this story is about an ex-girlfriend though so obviously the happiness ended. There were just a few big things about us that we tried to work through but eventually figured we’d never be able to compromise on or get through. There were some things I needed that she couldn’t provide and some things she needed that I couldn’t provide So on the very same day we both had the thought that we’d gone as far as we could go.

I take pride in the fact that I was the one she trusted enough to go through all that with. She’s thankful to me for my love, understandin, patience and laughter I brought into her life. I will always love the woman she is and always be disappointed that there was an end to us. She had such a HUGE heart and it will be missed. I’m startin to tear even as I write this… but we’re both better off this way. There’s someone better for each of us out there… or at least that’s what I continue to tell myself.

Turn Your Head and Cough...

I know I said I’d be writin about the most recent ex in the next entry but it’s takin me much longer than I thought it would to write it. There’s a lot to it and I want it to come out right. In the meantime… I think I’m in love with my Dr.

I was in the office yesterday for a preventative care appointment. My insurance company through work is offerin a discount for us for next year if we do a few things before Aug 15th. I’m definitely up for a discount so I figured I would do those few things.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen this Dr. My regular Dr. is well liked there and it’s always hard to get an appointment with him. Since it really doesn’t matter all that much to me who I see as long as I get whatever needs to be taken care of… taken care of. The last few appointments I’ve had with this woman.

She’s beautiful… great face… greeeeeat body. Just thinkin about it has me sittin here wishin I could have some “me time” right now. Her personality until yesterday however was almost non-existent. It never much mattered to me because like I said… as long as I get done what needs to be done I’m good.

But yesterday I get in there and one of the things I had to include in this was my BMI (Body Mass Index). My BMI is high for my age and height puttin me in the overweight category. The problem with this BMI is that it doesn’t take into account muscle mass.

So yesterday she walks in and she’s all smiles. I mention the BMI and she starts almost flirtin with me. She’s like pay no attention to your BMI… it’s obviously muscle on you. You’ve got great arms (I was wearin a cut off shirt) and a great body.

Then she starts talkin to me like we’re on a date. Askin me what I do for a livin and what I do to stay in shape… what I do for fun and all with this smile on her face. If I’m bein honest it was the first time I’ve ever been to the Dr. where I was disappointed that the Dr. wasn’t stickin their hand down my pants askin me to turn my head and cough. It’s probably a good thing though because it probably would have been a little uncomfortable when I started runnin my fingers through her hair while she was doin that.

The thing is with her lookin like she does and actually showin some personality this time around it actually made her soooooo much more attractive. I almost asked her out… and if I wasn’t such a pussy I would have.

Aaaaanyway… I absolutely love foreign films. I have no problem whatsoever with havin to read subtitles. Last night I rented this movie called The Assault to watch with my daughter. It’s a movie about the terrorist hijackin of a French plane from back in 1994.

Usually when you pop in a foreign film it defaults to subtitles when it starts and you just watch. Last night however it defaulted to dubbed English with no subtitles. Can I tell you how fuckin annoyin that was? I mean I’ve watched martial arts films like that and it’s never really bothered me. But in this movie they kept showin the family of this one cop and he had a daughter that had to be like 3 years old. The voice however sounded like some 30 year old woman who was tryin to talk like a 3 year old. Very fuckin annoyin.

So I took the rest of the day off yesterday after my Dr’s appointment to take my daughter up to Hershey Park. We have season passes and I figured it wouldn’t be as busy on a Wednesday. Sometimes I’m so fuckin smart I amaze myself. No lines for anything.

She and I have become coaster fanatics. That’s pretty much all we do when we go there. I love it since she used to be so scared of ridin even the smallest one. Now she’ll ride anything. Of course as each ride starts off I have this little ritual of turnin to her and sayin “I’m pretty sure we’re gonna die”.

Yesterday it was funny though. We went on Skyrush which is the coaster that just opened this year. It’s their fastest, tallest and longest coaster. It has 4 seats in each row with the seats on the end being wing seats. Your feet dangle. Right off the bat it takes you up and drops you 200 feet almost straight down. It’s awesome!! It’s something you absolutely HAVE to sit in the front row for. The extra half hour online is so worth it.

Anyway on the way up to this 200 foot drop after I’ve already given my daughter the traditional “I’m pretty sure we’re gonna die” thingy the girl next to me starts talkin to her friend. She’s like “Oh shit… Oh fuck… I hate you… I hate you”. I turn to her and say… “The bolt on your harness looks like it’s loose. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna die”. She looks me dead in the eyes and stares and just as we’re startin to go down she says “You’re an asshooooooooooooooooooooooooooooole”.

I’m still havin trouble hearin out of my left ear after hearin her high pitched scream the whole ride. But… it was worth it just to see the fear in her eyes. Fuckin teenagers. :P

Of course a visit to Hershey or anywhere else is never without its comments that I get from people about lookin like a certain celebrity. This really cute young girl from Virginia on line behind us for the one ride asked me the standard “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like (insert your guess here)?”

It’s always the same question and it never gets old. I love the attention. Which is a weird combination with the fact that I’m shy. You’d figure if I love attention that much I’d be a little less reserved. But I’m not.

It’s no different here in my blog… I absolutely love the attention that comes with writin it. I love when people read and comment. I put up and entry and for the next hour or two I’m starin at my stats. Refresh… refresh… refresh… Oooo someone visited… check for comments… refresh… refresh… refresh. So feed my obsession… read me… comment me… oh yea that’s in right there… oh god yes… yes read me… comment me… read me!!!!