I
spent all day yesterday watchin all five of the Fast & Furious movies and
it left me with a few questions…
1)
Why don’t they let cops wear sneakers?
They’re
always wearin them pigs feet and chasin down some criminal. I don’t get how
they’re able to catch anybody like that. No wonder there’s still so many
criminals on the streets. Paul Walker caught this guy but only because he’s one
of the stars of the movie. I bet in real life the guy gets away because Paul
Walker has to run and jump in shoes.
2)
Who was the first person to discover popcorn?
Musta
scared the shit out of them dontcha think? I know when I make it the old
fashioned way and sit there and watch it the first one always scares the shit
out of me. I can see them starvin and hungry and all they have is this old corn
that’s been sittin there all dried up forever and so they could eat they tried
to cook it anyway and then… POP!! POP!! POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP!!
3)
Why does everybody think I look like Vin Diesel?
I
mean other than both of us being bald I just don’t see it. But eeeeeverywhere I
go at least one person stops me and says something. I’ve never believed it despite
finishin third in a look-a-like contest to Sharon Osborne and Steven Spielberg.
A
radio station was havin a contest at a local bar and my ex kept tryin to talk
me into it. Since I don’t think I look anything like him I kept sayin no. So
one day her and I head to Subway for a sandwich while my daughter is at dance
class. We sit by the window and just eat.
About
10 minutes later this lady slams her car into a parked car. I pay no attention
to eat and continue with my BLT. Well about 1/2 hour later the cop that was at
the scene comes in and walks up to me and my ex. He says I had to come and tell
you what happened… the woman saw you and thought you were Vin Diesel… that’s
why she wasn’t payin attention to where she was goin.
I
turned to my wife and said… “Ok I’ll do it”. I took 3rd place with
about 50 or 60 other people there dressed as one person or another. I thought
some of them were spot on too. Halle Berry, Drew Carey, Dale Earnhart Jr,
Sherman Helmsley… there was a bunch of great ones. As we drove home the one
judge said that he didn’t know who Vin Diesel was and may have voted for me had
he seen a picture.
I
have a bunch of stories like that. One lady arguing with me about it… a
customer in Blockbuster tellin the woman that worked there that Vin Diesel was
in the store. It happens more so whenever he releases a new movie but it
happens almost everywhere I go.
I
moved from NY to here in Amish country about 16 years ago. Back in NY I had
tons of friends. My ex used to make comments that no matter where we went I
would always know somebody. I didn’t just hang out in one group of friends
there was a few different groups that I used to spend time with. I always had
something to do.
Now
here 16 years later I still haven’t been able to develop one of those groups…
or even one of those tight friends. It’s crazy. I don’t know what it is but for
some reason I’ve had a very hard time makin friends here.
Part
of it is that the local people tend to stick to the people that grew up around
here. I know I can’t blame it all on that but honestly I’m not sure I have
another explanation. It’s the weirdest thing. I could go back to NY and those
same old friends would still have my back.
It’s
not like I’m a bad guy either. I’m good to my friends. I’m good to people who
aren’t my friends. I don’t have any major annoyin habits that I’m aware of. I’m
not a drama queen or the guy that shares everything that everyone tells them. I
keep to myself and I’m pretty quite.
It’s
recently become even harder because of my financial situation. With the medical
bills that I ended up with its put me on a tight budget where I can’t do
anything other than afford to live right now. At least until those are taken
care of. So when people have asked me to head out recently I’ve had to decline.
If
you think it’s hard to make friends when you can’t go out… image how hard it is
to go out on a date with a female… or a male for that matter. I’m longin to be
loved but at this point I’d have to find someone who would be totally happy
sittin around watchin movies… or goin to the park… or hikin.
I
mean don’t get me wrong as a person and boyfriend I think I’m worth it but I’m
sure it’s not very appealin to anyone within my age range. Who wants to date a 43
year old man that is barely gettin by paycheck to paycheck no matter how
attractive they might find me inside and out?
It
really sucks. I mean I think I’ve said this before but the reason I left the ex
was to find “the one”. That passion that just knocks you off of your feet and
makes your heart pound uncontrollably.
They
say that it’s when you stop searchin that you find it. Well I’ve stopped
searchin… but I don’t go out. Is there anybody besides me that finds it highly
unlikely that she’ll just knock on my apartment door one day unprovoked?
Who
knows maybe that does happen? Maybe she’s a door to door condom saleswoman and
I’ll be her first demonstration? She’ll of course quit her job after that and
we’ll live happily ever after. But then she’ll be unemployed and we’ll both be
livin on my paycheck to paycheck salary. Love’s all that matters though isn’t
it? Please say yes…
Ok
now I’m sad… I just don’t get why when I was married there were women eeeeeverywhere
that were interested in me and now… nothin. What’s up wit dat? I’m still the
same guy… I still look the same… I still have the same great personality… my
penis is still the same size. Allllthough I have been gettin a lot of emails
with guaranteed ways to increase the size of it up to 5”. That’s additional
inches on top of the inches I already have!! That would be very pleasin to the
ladies… maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about money. Just walk around
sellin my foot long for $5. Five… Five… Five dollar footlong!!
Now
that songs stuck in your head isn’t it? Good because now it’s time for the
Blogger sing-a-long… Five… Five… Five dollar footlong!!
I’ve
been spendin a lot of time lately thinkin about the ex-Amish woman. Every time
I see her my heart stops. She is truly one of the most beautiful women I’ve
ever seen. But I’ve been around beautiful women before and none of them make me
feel like she does simply by standin next to her. It’s crazy… it’s like I could
almost tell her right there and then that I love her. Weird stuff. I’ll have to
tell you about her sometime soon…
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